ugh

The last three days have been bad. Losing my voice was just a precursor to the beginning of Mucusitis. Again, the chemo attacks mucousal membranes and my mouth is one of them. All that soft pink tissue that makes up the lining of your mouth ... it's under siege right now. It's certainly not as bad as it was in 2009, but the goal is to keep it from getting that bad. They had to admit me into the hospital then because I couldn't swallow. I was on an IV "liquid food" diet for two weeks. For now, I'm just on mush. Pastina, apple sauce, protein drinks and ice pops. The cold of the ice pop helps ease the sores on my tongue and the sides of my mouth. I can't even open my mouth wide enough to see in the back or to stick my tongue out all the way. So technically, I can't even see if there are sores, but let's be honest, I feel them. So I eat an ice pop, wear a warm beanie on my head and sit with the electric blanket to keep me from getting the chills.

Alright, enough complaining ... let's keep our eye on the prize: the numbers! My number on Wednesday continued in the right direction - dropping from 67 to 28! Boo yah! We ARE killing cancer! I was so pleased with that drop. It's the only thing that keeps me going. If that number goes UP for some reason, you can find me hanging from a tree outside. It's the only thing that keeps me focused on getting better and helps drown out the pain. So while the hCG # is nothing short of beautiful, three other numbers were nothing short of too low to be healthy. My white blood cell count, red blood cell count and my platelets (those damn platelets again!) are all too low to receive chemo. They wouldn't infuse me on Wednesday, just some booster shots and get back to bed. There's another thing (I use that word loosely because I really don't know what it is) some "thing" called Neutrophils and they are dangerously low too. That's actually a big problem. In addition to the blood levels being low, with almost no neutrophils I could pick up pneumonia if the dogs sneeze. It just makes me very vulnerable to germs and infection. Isn't cancer fun?!? Kill me now. I spend more than half the day in the bed - thinking about all the things I could get done. It's an inactive state of frustration that is driving me mad. But "the body needs to heal" and other such things my mom tells me to calm my fears and frustrations.

Speaking of my mom, she and Bruce came to visit for Easter. While I slept, they turned into little garden gnomes and planted nearly all of my pots, less for the two that Jeannette and Beth planted when I got home from the hospital. I called those girls my Garden Gremlins, but I feel Gnomes is nicer. It just doesn't have the actually alliteration sound, you know, because of that silent G and all.

Either way, here they are at work.

Doesn't my mom look bad ass throwing the mulch out of the back of the pick up truck! Hard core gardening at the Cooke House!

She and Bruce planted beautiful flowers around my rocks, give the place a little color. Marigolds in front and get this ... flowers called Cosmos in back! How appropriate!

All my pots are saying, "Spring is here. Meredith should be out to play soon!"

Peach Fuzz?

Ok, today I am actually a mute.

For some people, they've been waiting for years for me to shut up. Well today, you got your wish. This mouth is giving me a really hard time. I am voiceless right now. My dad called and it was like whispering sweet nothings to him over the phone. I could not project anything audible. Thankfully, he's like me ... he can talk a lot ... so it was a good, albeit mostly one sided conversation.

Given my near-Helen Keller status, I haven't been to work in two days. Mondays and Tuesdays should be my best days and I've making it to work a lot of them. No go this week. What is the point of trying to interview someone if you have no voice in which to ask the questions? Plus, I'm big on the phone at work and I sound like a scary stalker with a breathy voice on the other end of the line. I feel like the potential interviewees will wonder why I'm not asking, "What are you wearing?" rather than, "Can we come interview you?"

It's me and the beasts at home. I'm reading some good books, trying to stay away from the Real Housewives franchise. (That's not true, I hate that show. All the women do is yell at each other. It makes me nervous, like actually anxious watching it.) The girls in my 'hood would make a killer Real Housewives of Lancaster County though! We could have buggy races and throw whoopie pies at each other. It's an untapped resource right now. I think we could make it big.

The only real thing that is big right now is my head. I have lost a total of 4 pounds on cancer. Like really??? You would think I could at least waste away to nothing just in time for bathing suit season. When instead I drop 4 lbs and that was probably just the weight of my hair! So my noggin looks big and it's got some growth too. Peach fuzz. Well, half a scruffy man's beard and half soft peach fuzz. There are two distinctly different kinds of hair growing up there. And after wearing my wig for Easter Dinner, I have a small red rash to go with it.

(Sidenote: I bought 3 wigs. I thought it would be so fun. If I had to do this again, I'd save the money and get just one that does not have bangs that poke you in the face. They are not as much fun as I thought. Plus, they are hot and uncomfortable. Taking it off at the end of the night is like taking off your bra after a long day. You just have to rub around and let the area breathe!)

While there are no Easter Bunny Ears here ... can you see the fuzz?

I've also kept my eye lashes and eye brows so far. Definitely a plus. My eyes are a mess too because they have a mucus membrane that the chemo attacks - not my best look but this is what cancer does to you. Damn Cancer!

Happy Easter! From the Egg Head

I tried to be like the Easter Bunny, but instead of having Energizer Bunny power, I was more of a Hibernating Bunny this weekend. So sleepy.

This is a tougher week, with Day 1 and Day 2 infusions, plus the Methotrexate shots. The shots are so easy that sometimes I forget it's poison. Kristen gives me two of the doses, then Chris gives me the weekend ones. Can you envision Chris coming at me with a sharp needle pointed at my ass cheek?!? I'm facing the other direction when he does it, but you can imagine he might get this look in his eye as he's lining the two up!! To be fair, he's so good that it doesn't hurt at all. He's so good when he puts his hands on my ass! (a little too much?? hehe)

So these shots are kind of a bitch because this drug is the one that causes the Mucusitis - which put me in the hospital for 14 days last time. We're managing it really well right now, but I can feel my mouth throb sometimes and I get nervous that I'm going to have a full blown problem. My first line of defense: sleep. When I'm asleep, I'm typically comfortable and not in pain. If I could sleep this whole damn cancer away ... I would. I never asked Dr. Evans about a medically induced coma while going through chemotherapy, but I might do that this week. Wake me up when my hair starts growing back.

Other than sleep, I have Magic Mouthwash. All I know is it has Lidacane (sp?) in it. In other words, my mouth goes numb and I can't feel a thing. Wonderful! Better living through chemicals. I try not to take this before I'm about to eat a delicious meal because I wouldn't taste a thing and I'd drool all over the plate. But for the occasional "ooh, my mouth and throat hurt" pain, I swirl up some of that stuff. It really is Magic.

This side effect is really just a lot of coughing and spitting and blowing my nose and losing my voice and having a sore throat. Really pretty stuff. But it could always be worse and we're doing fine right now. So while we were 67 last week - we're keeping our eye on the prize this week - and hoping for the best ... even if I hack up a lung before we get there!