Rambling Thoughts

Today was a good day. I feel okay. I think having some time off from chemo while my platelets bounce back is good for my body. It's just my head I need to work on.

My mind just doesn't stop. I wish I could just be calm, let all the thoughts be quiet. But I'm finding it's hard. First, I just think about what has to be done today. Then I think of things I might be able to accomplish if I'm feeling good. Next I think about when would be a good time to nap. I've never napped as an adult, but there is something wonderful about crawling into the bed in the middle of the day for a little recharge. When Chris is at work and I'm home, the dogs and I crawl in. Sometimes I sleep the whole day until Chris comes home from work. I feel like a bum when he wakes me up - he's done a whole day of doctoring and I ... well ... snuggled with the girls.

At first though, I was so tired I would just fall right to sleep. Now I lay there and think about 57 different things all at the same time. Sometimes I'm impressed by how many thoughts I can have simultaneously. Like I can have a song in the way back of my head, I'm running through the To Do list in the middle part of my  brain and at the same time having a pretend conversation with someone ... all in my head. I really need to take a deep breath.

I like to say my prayers. If not for their calming effect, at least for the repetition. I hope God doesn't get mad if you fall asleep saying the Rosary. I don't know that I've ever finished the Rosary before falling to sleep. It's usually in mid-Hail Mary. But I think - as a woman - Mary must realize how tired I am and I don't think she holds it against me.

I think about things 5 years away. I run through our "potential" family. When this is over, will my uterus cooperate? Will we be so nervous that instead of a baby, it will just be Cancer The Third. Should we just book plane tickets to China ... see the Great Wall, pick up a little girl and call it a day? We adopted our dogs and I love them more than live itself. I'm sure Chris and I could be the Lancaster version of Brad and Angie (ich, I don't like her ... or that stupid leg) and host the United Colors of Benetton on Lark Lane. But do you see how crazy I go and how quickly I get there?!?

Take a deep breath, Mer. Left foot, right foot.