The CAT scan (or CT - no idea what the difference is. It might be like Pointsetta. People always said the name of the damn red Christmas flower like that: point-set-uh. Then, suddenly, someone decided we had all been missing a syllable for decades and now the same fricken plan goes by: point-set-ee-uh. Retarded. So CAT, CT, tomato, tomato.) Anyway, the CAT scan was a piece of cake. Like 10 minutes total.
Have you had a CAT scan recently? Did you need "contrast" - the IV fluid that makes it easier to read? Well each of my CAT scans has included this bonus feature and it's unsettling side effect ... you feel like your peeing yourself when you're on the table! For real - like there is a drug that makes that happen! Thank God the tech warns you before because it's weird to say the least. She said, "Remember, this contrast will make you feel warm all over and make you feel like you're losing bladder control." The first time I thought, wow, this I have to try. Now that this is like my 87th CAT scan, I'm confident I haven't wet the sheets even though it feels like it.
Next up was the MRI. I was almost looking forward to this test because this will really show how well we've done. I maintain that an MRI image is all shades of gray (50 Shades, maybe ;-) But somehow, someone can tell a lot from pictures. And I had a lot of pictures to look at ... 2 hours worth.
I'm not claustrophobic and by this point, I don't get overly worked up about most medical tests. Yet when the tech said I would be in the tube for two hours I couldn't believe it. It was two tests; abdomen and pelvis. But a girl is gonna get bored stuck in a tube with loud banging sounds for two hours. Instead of enjoying a full-length feature film, I was surrounded by a magnet making such a racket it sounded like a toddler got into the pots and pans drawer and was having a ball on the kitchen floor.
My first thought was to try to sleep the whole time. Impossible with all the noise, so I considered a drug induced snooze instead. That doesn't work either though because the second half of the test requires your participation. "Take in a breath. Hold it ..... (5 seconds pass) ..... (15 seconds gone) ..... (28 seconds) .... Okay, breathe." If she didn't say breathe, I would have passed out. I'm not an Olympic swimmer for God's sake. She was kind though and said she would give me a chance to catch my breath before the next test. Thanks a lot lady. If I wasn't strapped down, I'd climb out of this tube of torture and smack you. Take in a breath?!?! You take in a goddamn breath, bitch! (Really though the lady was very kind, I just get cranky)
The only thing to do was listen to the music. Oh, I didn't mention there was music? Don't get ahead of yourself - this isn't a i-pod adventure. No one is enjoying a podcast or rocking out to their latest Summer of 2012 playlist. This is satellite radio, but I doubt it's Sirius. There are 40 choices, mostly broken down into decades and genres. Looks like an impressive list to the novice, but I am a body scan veteran.
The first time I played this game, I went simply with station #1 - Top 40 Hits. The woman who checked me in then said it was similar to FM 97 - the terrible, corny yet predictable local radio station. In other words, I should know the songs, they play Call Me Maybe thrice every hour (no joke). That choice was a disaster; both for my ears and my self-esteem. I didn't know a single song, notta one. Plus, it was a lot of techo and rap so I couldn't tell if my headache was from the magnet clanking or the music. And then I wanted to know what was wrong with me that I didn't know a single song in the Top 40. Am I getting too old? Am I losing my mojo? Am I more a Michael Buble than a Top 40 now?
Turns out, it wasn't me. The station sucked. The next scan, I opted for the 80's. Being a (formerly) big haired 80's girl, I thought I would feel right at home here. Verdict: definitely an improvement over my other choice, but I was 2 when some of the songs came out and I was still rocking Sesame Street at that time.
This time, I nailed it. I was sitting pretty (or lying down pretty, I guess) with Station #9 - The 90's. Here's a sample of my 2 hour playlist.
Hootie and Blowfish - Hold My Hand
Backstreet Boys - I Want it That Way
John Mellencamp (pre-Meg Ryan) - Wild Nights
Oasis - Wonderwall
Alanis Morisette - You Oughta Know
Sugar Ray - Every Morning
Counting Crows - Mr. Jones
It doesn't matter how old or young you are ... you are singing some of those songs in your head right now. Two hours in a tube is a long time. But not when you're with good friends like Hootie and Alanis.
We'll see if the results make me as happy as I was when I was done with that test. But seriously, Thank God for modern medicine.
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