What Would The "Long Island Medium" Say?

When all you do is sit at home, you tend to watch TV. Shitty, shitty, meaningless TV. But I really like some of it. I have vowed never to watch the Kardashians and I've held up my end of the bargain. But my girl, Chelsea Handler, makes it a little more difficult to steer clear of this retarded family and its attention seeking antics by being on TV right after "Keeping Up." I sadly, have seen several of the "Coming up on the next 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' ... blah blah blah, Kim has no real skill, that Scott guy is a dick, and Bruce Jenner's face hasn't moved since he won that Olympic medal in the 50's .... blah, blah, blah. Be sure to tune in." So I've never seen an episode, I just have to endure the commercial before Chelsea Lately.

I also swore never to watch Honey Boo Boo. Pure shit. Total, unbelievable trash. Yet, as Chris flipped through the channels one night he landed on it and was drawn to it like Disaster Professionals with blue lights on the top of their pick-up trucks are drawn to a fender bender. In other words, he couldn't look away. I was sitting next to him. I wanted to shield my eyes. But TLC isn't stupid. (The Learning Channel! Right, like that's still an applicable name for that channel. No one's learned anything since we learned John and Kate were getting divorced because she is a crazy bitch.) TLC includes subtitles in this show. English subtitles, for English. Dumb, no? Well not so dumb when the people who are speaking English are speaking it so badly they simply cannot be understood. Do you know how old that women is - Mama Bear or Sugar Bear or whatever her stupid name is? Like 34 years old. God gave her 5 kids ... and she has a GRANDchild. I just gave up my uterus, but she gets to pro-create. How is that fair?

Moving on. One show I do love is Long Island Medium. Half because she's from Long Island and I feel at home listening to her extreme accent. Even on my worst days I never sounded like her. Even when I was drunk, angry and talking with my family (my 3 accent triggers) did I sound like her. And half, I think she's great. AND I think she's the real deal. I firmly believe she talks to the dead. Chris is convinced it's a hoax. But I am a believer!

That's why I thought she might like to see this:

This is the t-shirt I wore to my hysterectomy. It's from my friends Alison and John and at one time it read: "Dear Cancer, Suck It!" I loved it. I wore it to several chemo sessions. I thought it had just the right amount of class and anger ... all rolled into one super comfy t-shirt. I've worn it and washed it a bunch. It's been legible the whole time. It was only after my sister Ashley did the laundry for me when I was recuperating that the message disappeared. Maybe the Cancer Gods don't need the message anymore ... because the hysterectomy did it's job .... made me Cancer-free for the first time in 4 years. I think the Long Island Medium could weigh in and tell me what "Spirit" has to say about my outlook. It never hurts to get a little peek into the future. I hope mine includes babies.