This is very distressing to me. I eat constantly. So that might be the problem. But also, I don't move that much. Also an issue. I understand basic weight loss: eat less, move more. It's just that doing that is near impossible right now. I get winded going up a flight of stairs and get hungry when I look at the outside of the refrigerator.
The steroids don't help. Moon face is the term they use. I have moon face, moon ass, moon arms, moon thighs, moon belly, moon back fat. Alas, I hark back to a time when I was thin. Upon meeting me one woman said about me once, "Of course she's skinny, she's 23. Weren't we all skinny when we were 23?" Touche. So I dug up this picture to make myself feel better and let people know I wasn't always a moon ... plus it's fun to show this circa 1996 pic off.
Thin, right? But like weirdly thin. Like "that girl should eat a burger" thin. People used to say my legs went all the way up. I didn't really get what they meant when I was 16, but looking at this picture I get it now. I think I was 16 or 17 in that photo. Oh, those were the days.
Fast forward:
This is actually a terribly embarrassing picture to post. But I said I would share what was real and this is it. I'm glad the flash makes it at least a little harder to see. Mike Everhart reads the blog while he eats breakfast. I don't want him to throw up first thing in the morning. The legs don't go on forever - they just got wider. I took out my belly button ring long ago - it would have been swallowed by the rolls by now. The handles make it easier for Chris to love me, but harder to fit into jeans. I have as much arm flap as a middle school lunch lady serving Sloppy Joe's. The only upside I see is my boobs. I was as flat as a board growing up. But now, add 40 pounds and you get a bonus: boobs!
I joined Weight Watchers just after that first surgery in September in Boston. I just finished "emotional eating" my way through Boston while I rested the week post-op. I thought I at least deserved that. Then I got on the wagon. Weight Watchers has an app (who doesn't now? I want the "Mer App") and it was almost fun to count points (for like 5 seconds.) Then I had the hysterectomy. Do you want to talk about emotional eating? Come sit down next to me and bring some chocolate chip cookies and milk and I'll tell you all about it. You only have one hysterectomy and it's not supposed to be at 32, so I didn't want to waste the opportunity! Mangia Mangia!
I cancelled the Weight Watcher subscription. Much like my Netflix, money was leaving my account each month and nothing was happening on my end. Might as well keep the money for pizza.
I feel very un-pretty. Everyone will say, no, no, you're still pretty. blah, blah, blah. Save it. Don't send a single card that says I'm pretty. I'm just venting. But I have no hair and I weigh more than I ever have in my life. This is what cancer looks like for me. If I looked my prettiest ever during cancer that would be bad, right? So I'm saving my pretty for later. It'll come ... with some hair and some exercise. I will be healthy then too, so that glow of survival will certainly make my skin shine, right? Chris loves me, even like this. I love that I'm still alive. So that's really all that matters.
I got my inspiration for my self portrait from Demi. While she looks SMOKING HOT ... woman be crazy! But damn, crazy looks good, huh?
Demi is an idiot, who still takes pics of themselves at 50yrs old? My 15 yr old does this, which is normal. Too much time on Demi's hands and not enough love and normal. lol. Love ya
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