3.1 - The Rollercoaster Continues

My emotions are directly related to this damn number. And because it went down to 3.1 this week ... I'm a happy kid!

I was able to get chemo this week. Five hours of drip at the Chemo Lounge is like a dream compared to the hospital. I feel like Marcia and I are light on our feet walking into the lounge. We don't have to be admitted, we don't have to carry overnight bags, we don't have to wait 4 hours to be hooked up to the drugs. We just sit and talk with the other women and hang out with Kristin. It's a good day.

The Boston doctor recommended I go back on birth control. I think I might be one of the only women without a uterus taking the pill. But he's trying to monitor other hormones. Ovulation includes two other hormones with "h" in them. We monitor hCG, but there's also Lh and Fsh. So being on birth control will shut those two down for a while. He just wants to make sure we're not picking up other "h" hormones instead of the hCG.

I'm feeling well. I could sleep forever. But that's the only major side effect right now. It's really a blessing. I had a pretty bad head cold over the weekend. But when I thought about it - other than cancer - I haven't been sick the whole year. So a little head cold was bound to sneak in.

I'm thrilled with this week's numbers and I hope next week's are even lower. Until then ...

A Waste of Weight Watchers

If you think cancer will make you skinny, you're wrong. One could only hope, right? At least there should be some up-side to chemotherapy and being hospitalized. I remember this from the first time I had cancer. I thought I would waste away. I was hoping at least ... like when the girls say in "A Devil Wears Prada" "I'm one stomach flu away from my goal weight!"

This is very distressing to me. I eat constantly. So that might be the problem. But also, I don't move that much. Also an issue. I understand basic weight loss: eat less, move more. It's just that doing that is near impossible right now. I get winded going up a flight of stairs and get hungry when I look at the outside of the refrigerator.

The steroids don't help. Moon face is the term they use. I have moon face, moon ass, moon arms, moon thighs, moon belly, moon back fat. Alas, I hark back to a time when I was thin. Upon meeting me one woman said about me once, "Of course she's skinny, she's 23. Weren't we all skinny when we were 23?" Touche. So I dug up this picture to make myself feel better and let people know I wasn't always a moon ... plus it's fun to show this circa 1996 pic off.

Thin, right? But like weirdly thin. Like "that girl should eat a burger" thin. People used to say my legs went all the way up. I didn't really get what they meant when I was 16, but looking at this picture I get it now. I think I was 16 or 17 in that photo. Oh, those were the days.

Fast forward: 

This is actually a terribly embarrassing picture to post. But I said I would share what was real and this is it. I'm glad the flash makes it at least a little harder to see. Mike Everhart reads the blog while he eats breakfast. I don't want him to throw up first thing in the morning. The legs don't go on forever - they just got wider. I took out my belly button ring long ago - it would have been swallowed by the rolls by now. The handles make it easier for Chris to love me, but harder to fit into jeans. I have as much arm flap as a middle school lunch lady serving Sloppy Joe's. The only upside I see is my boobs. I was as flat as a board growing up. But now, add 40 pounds and you get a bonus: boobs!  

I joined Weight Watchers just after that first surgery in September in Boston. I just finished "emotional eating" my way through Boston while I rested the week post-op. I thought I at least deserved that. Then I got on the wagon. Weight Watchers has an app (who doesn't now? I want the "Mer App") and it was almost fun to count points (for like 5 seconds.) Then I had the hysterectomy. Do you want to talk about emotional eating? Come sit down next to me and bring some chocolate chip cookies and milk and I'll tell you all about it. You only have one hysterectomy and it's not supposed to be at 32, so I didn't want to waste the opportunity! Mangia Mangia!

I cancelled the Weight Watcher subscription. Much like my Netflix, money was leaving my account each month and nothing was happening on my end. Might as well keep the money for pizza.  

I feel very un-pretty. Everyone will say, no, no, you're still pretty. blah, blah, blah. Save it. Don't send a single card that says I'm pretty. I'm just venting. But I have no hair and I weigh more than I ever have in my life. This is what cancer looks like for me. If I looked my prettiest ever during cancer that would be bad, right? So I'm saving my pretty for later. It'll come ... with some hair and some exercise. I will be healthy then too, so that glow of survival will certainly make my skin shine, right? Chris loves me, even like this. I love that I'm still alive. So that's really all that matters.

I got my inspiration for my self portrait from Demi. While she looks SMOKING HOT ... woman be crazy! But damn, crazy looks good, huh?

 

Nope. I'm mad. And so are my friends ...

So close but yet so far. My number rose from 2.7 to 8.6 - ugh. I am so done with this. I've been planning my future in my head. And then ... back to the drawing board ... still have to figure out how to cure cancer.

All the numbers that were supposed to be high were low. And the one number that's supposed to be low, is up. So no chemo. Like honestly, throw a girl a bone. My platelets were 39. Kristin asked me to get blood re-drawn today to see if the platelets were at least on their way up. If I got a 40, I would be able to get chemo. No go - they were down to 29 today.

Also, the hemoglobin number is a pain in the ass too. That's red blood cells. They should be 12, mine were 5.9 - really low. Today on the re-draw, they were 5.4. Now I need a blood transfusion. That's tomorrow for about 4 - 6 hours. At least I should feel and look better after that. The low red blood cells have left me very short of breath and with throbbing headaches. Plus, I'm a little pale. Nothing some blush can't cure, but it would be nice to have some natural pink in my cheeks. Right now I'm keeping Sephora in business trying to make my ghost face look halfway normal.

My friends, family and neighbors share in my disgust. I sent several people text messages about the low hCG and my frustration. These were some of the responses:

Bastard
That stinks
This is a pain in the blip
WTF!! That sucks!
Shit!
Seriously?
Shit! That's stinks
Ugh indeed!
Shitski!!
Aghhhhhhh (that's me yelling in frustration for u)
Sonovabitch!

You can tell I'm in good company. When I curse, they curse back! When I look at that list of responses it makes me smile. No matter what my numbers are - I have a lot of support!

Hit a Strike Against Cancer!

Here's a little catch-up from like two weeks ago: 

 

When in doubt, pick up your fun nephews and find a cool activity. It was a boring weekend day and I had to get out of the house. Lucky, a local cancer organization, You and Me on a Comeback, was holding a Bowl-a-thon! Winning!

 

Jay, Ben and Alexander are usually up for anything. It was a bonus that Jay wasn't totally weirded out when he realized he wasn't wearing any socks in his cool new Sperry's. He'd have to wear the bowling shoes with naked feet. He did remark though that the man behind the counter did nothing but spritz some fragrant spray in the general area of the shoes and that meant they were "sanitized." No one ended up with Athlete's Foot ... but that might be because you can't call us athletes by the way we bowled!!

 

 

 

With two lanes to bowl on and single digit scores after 5 frames, we decided to ask for bumpers on one lane. Hysterically, even with bumpers we bowled "consistently" - which translates to: 1st roll you get three pins; 2nd roll you throw the ball in that exact spot, where there's now a hole and you get no pins. Net score with bumpers? 3. Ouch.

It was fun to meet new people from the Cancer organization and see some old friends. Adam Aurand and his wife Kristy came to bowl with us and brought their own little bowling ball, Baby Kylar!! I quickly traded holding a bowling ball for holding the bambino! So cute!!

 

 

It was a fun, family outing and supported a good cause. I thought it would be funny if I put spots on my head so it looked like a bowling ball. But I thought Jay would DIE of embarrassment so I held off.

 

 

Couldn't contain myself at home though. No one but Chris and the dogs to laugh at me ... and they do that every day any way. I'd say with all my brains, that bowling ball head is at least a 12 pounder!

You're never too old to be a Twilight Fan

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Friend and News 8 at 6 Producer Extraordinaire Ronda Keiser submitted this Guest Post

November 2008. Young (and not so young) girls were obsessed with the "Twilight" novel series. And for the first time, you could see the drama unfold on the big screen. Meredith and I, not wanted to be left out of the in crowd, started reading the books. We were hooked. We decided to go see the movie. But as you all know, Meredith was fighting cancer the first time then. So it took some time to get there, but we saw the first Twilight movie, together, in one of the last showings at the Kendig Square Movie Theater.

As every new movie came out, we saw them, usually on the first night. We donned our team Edward shirts and we rocked it.

Now, its 2012/2013. The final movie came out. Meredith is fighting cancer again. So we didn't go the first night, but I told her we were going. We had to go. The Twilight movie series was over and to come full circle, we had to see it at Kendig Square. I'm taking it as a sign that Meredith (in her words) is finally kicking cancer for good!

So Sunday, we went to Kendig Square, in a theater filled with young girls and their families, to enjoy the movie. We enjoyed popcorn, floating in butter.

Meredith, thanks for being my "Twilight Tween Buddy."

We totally fit in with the middle schoolers, no?


Ronda, thank YOU for getting me on the Team Edward bandwagon and seeing each movie with me (even though Kristen Stewart still can't act, 5 movies later!) It's been so fun and gosh ... that buttery popcorn is delicious!! xoxo

Groundhog Goodness

It's now been a year since I've been diagnosed with cancer. It would typically be hard as February 2nd approached, but not for me. I have this man, Michael Everhart, and a legion of Groundhogs who have been supporting me and praying for me and rooting for me and I think drinking some beers in my honor for the past year. With all that love, of course I'm gonna survive!

As Groundhog Day 2013 approached, there was no doubt I would be partying at the Slumbering Groundhog Lodge. In fact, this year would be even better ... I could actually go and party instead of having to file reports. Plus, the icing on top was Chris - because it was a Saturday this is the first year he had ever ventured down to the festivities. I knew it would blow his mind: fun, smart, upstanding members of our community, dressing up, drinking well before noon and playing with a stuffed rodent. What's not to love??

I was so moved though when the men paraded through the covered bridge by brigade to the Hibernating Governor and I saw the back of Mike's white coat. He had a sign that said simply <2.0 - I'm sure most people didn't have a clue what that meant. But I know and Chris knows and Michael knows and that's what he's been hoping for for me since last year. It was a shock to see how many people care and how much they care.

 

 

 

 

You know me, never one to shy away from attention - I was equally as excited and flattered when they gave us a shout out from the stage, AKA the Pinnacle of Prognostication. Not to mention that no fewer than 6 Groundhogs asked Chris if he wanted to be part of the organization. Ummm, yes! (Sorry Ladies, boys only. But what I would GIVE to be the first female Groundhog!! What an honor that would be!! Things to work on after curing cancer ...)

It was a bright sunny day. Chris' friends from work, Jill, Heather, Jenae ... all came out to see if Octorara Orphie would see his shadow. No surprise, he did, so 6 more weeks of winter. No problem though; with friends like these, we could party all winter long.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to the Slumbering Groundhog Lodge and it's families. Your caring is unprecedented and it overwhelms me. I'm so lucky to have such Guardians. Happy Groundhog Day (a little late)! Now here's to 2/2/14!!

2.7 Baby! That's What I'm Talking About!

With such good news, you would think I would have blogged it sooner. It turns out, I have so much to blog about!! I've gone Bowling for Cancer, hit the Groundhog Lodge on Groundhog day, I stopped into work to give them an update. I have a lot to catch up on. But I won't bury the lead ... my numbers are great!! I started the new chemo two weeks ago. Got in one treatment, then took a week off for low blood counts. Then this week, even after missing that week of chemo, I still dropped from 3.4 to 2.7! It's so damn close to 2.0.

I feel so good when the numbers are good. It really is an emotional rollercoaster. It sets the tune for my whole week. And Marcia's too. As my designated Special Guest and Team Cooke Cheerleader, she cheers pretty loud on the good weeks. I put her to work an extra day today when my car wouldn't start and I had to go to the lab. So she rearranged her day to cart my ass all over Lancaster (had to fit a nail appointment in there too!) But maybe all that driving around helped the hCG. When Marcia heard the number, she was over the moon. Everyone was. I call my mom with the number, she's at work and can't talk. I give her the basic info and hang up. She calls back a few minutes later crying tears of joy saying she's so happy! With people like this on your side cancer has no chance!

So, here's the plan: Get bloodwork Wednesday morning next week. Hopefully the number is even better! If all the blood levels are good, I have a short chemo day. Once I get a less than 2, I have to go two more complete cycles - 6 weeks. I'm trying not to count my eggs before they hatch. Let's call it cautiously optimistic. But, my friends, I feel I'm about to kick cancer in the ass, once and for all!