UGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

I have several funny things to blog about. And now I can't. I have to postpone them. For the shitty stuff. It's okay to let the fun linger. But the important info (read: shitty stuff) must be posted in a timely fashion. Mainly because it means you have to ramp up the prayers. I promise to blog the funny stuff in a few days. For now though, here is the drama.

Beta hCG is now 16.2. Dr. Goldstein calls it "disappointing." He wrote that in an e-mail at 6:42am this morning. You know how e-mail is though. Disappointing. When it's typed out is so less dramatic than if we were in his office and he said something like, "Well, fuck-a-doodle-do. 16.2. Isn't that a bitch?" I'm sure that's what he meant when he typed disappointing.

WHY oh Why oh Why Why why why why does it keep going up and down?? Why? Why why why? And why can't we get it to stop going up and down ... and just get it to go down ... forever? That's the big question, isn't it? Do you know how many people have the answer to that question? None. Maddening. Absolutely maddening. Marsh says, "All to be revealed." It's just that nothing is being revealed today apparently. Maybe tomorrow is the revealing day. I'm not holding my breath, otherwise I'd be blue by now. So just like right foot, left foot - I inhale and exhale and pray for all to be revealed ... someday.

Plan:

Next week:

• PET scan to see if you can see cancer
• Dr. Evans says she is certain this will show nothing. Cancer is at cellular level. Too small to see on PET.
• MRI of brain
• Because PET scan doesn't include brain. Dr. Evans is sure this also will show nothing, because cancer would be too small to pick up on MRI
• Spinal Tap
• Other than the movie "This is Spinal Tap" I really knew nothing about what this actually does. I did hear it was painful but everyone I spoke with today said, oh it's not that bad. Read: hurts like a motherfucker but you forget that it hurt that much
• During tap they put a needle into your lower spine and remove CSF cells - Cerebral Spinal Fluid. This is brain fluid that also flows along the spinal column, I guess. It would have cancer cells in it, if there's cancer in the brain.
• Dr. Evans is also convinced this will show nothing.
• So why are we doing all these "show nothing" tests?? Because we're switching chemo again. A switch time is always a good time to get some new baseline tests. Just make sure you are crossing your t's and dotting i's before you jump ship to something else.

Two Weeks from now:

• New Chemo
• Shocker. This last one didn't even last a month before we figured out it was useless.
• New drugs will give more side effects than the last round, but not as bad as the round before that. Is your head spinning yet? Because mine is - and that's not even one of the side effects.
• It includes two days in the hospital. KILL ME NOW. I like the Chemo Lounge so much. Why can't I just stay in the Chemo Lounge? (Can you hear me really whining as I say that?? Whhhhhyyyyy?)
• It's once every three weeks - that's a bonus. I've always been a chemo every week-er. I asked if I could go back to work a little bit on the two off-weeks. Dr. Evans said absolutely not. This is still "focus on getting rid of cancer" time, not "transitioning back to work time."

I've stopped crying. Partly because what's the point? Partly because my new anti-depressant really helps me mask my emotions. Kidding. I just sigh a lot. And roll my eyes. I'm like a teenager. Sighing, rolling my eyes and stamping off to my room (mainly for my daily nap.)

What else is there to do? Just pray.

Ash Wednesday ... Again

You know you've had cancer too long when you start celebrating events for the second time around. With Groundhog Day Round 2 out of the way ... the next repeat was Ash Wednesday. Because Ash Wednesday is typically on a Wednesday ;-)  I had chemo this year and last year. If you remember, I missed the ashes part of Mass last year and had to beg Father Leo. This year Marcia and I snuck in ashes after bloodwork, before lunch and before chemo. We were so late to Mass we got there just in time for ashes. Then we were running late for lunch, so we ditched out just after Communion. It was definitely an abbreviated service for us. Marsh said God will forgive us. I like myself an Express Mass, so I was thrilled. Next year for Ash Wednesday, I will be cancer free and have a cute, probably still short haircut.

 

This year for Lent, I'm giving up Cancer. 

 

 

Last year's ashes.

This year.

3.1 - The Rollercoaster Continues

My emotions are directly related to this damn number. And because it went down to 3.1 this week ... I'm a happy kid!

I was able to get chemo this week. Five hours of drip at the Chemo Lounge is like a dream compared to the hospital. I feel like Marcia and I are light on our feet walking into the lounge. We don't have to be admitted, we don't have to carry overnight bags, we don't have to wait 4 hours to be hooked up to the drugs. We just sit and talk with the other women and hang out with Kristin. It's a good day.

The Boston doctor recommended I go back on birth control. I think I might be one of the only women without a uterus taking the pill. But he's trying to monitor other hormones. Ovulation includes two other hormones with "h" in them. We monitor hCG, but there's also Lh and Fsh. So being on birth control will shut those two down for a while. He just wants to make sure we're not picking up other "h" hormones instead of the hCG.

I'm feeling well. I could sleep forever. But that's the only major side effect right now. It's really a blessing. I had a pretty bad head cold over the weekend. But when I thought about it - other than cancer - I haven't been sick the whole year. So a little head cold was bound to sneak in.

I'm thrilled with this week's numbers and I hope next week's are even lower. Until then ...

A Waste of Weight Watchers

If you think cancer will make you skinny, you're wrong. One could only hope, right? At least there should be some up-side to chemotherapy and being hospitalized. I remember this from the first time I had cancer. I thought I would waste away. I was hoping at least ... like when the girls say in "A Devil Wears Prada" "I'm one stomach flu away from my goal weight!"

This is very distressing to me. I eat constantly. So that might be the problem. But also, I don't move that much. Also an issue. I understand basic weight loss: eat less, move more. It's just that doing that is near impossible right now. I get winded going up a flight of stairs and get hungry when I look at the outside of the refrigerator.

The steroids don't help. Moon face is the term they use. I have moon face, moon ass, moon arms, moon thighs, moon belly, moon back fat. Alas, I hark back to a time when I was thin. Upon meeting me one woman said about me once, "Of course she's skinny, she's 23. Weren't we all skinny when we were 23?" Touche. So I dug up this picture to make myself feel better and let people know I wasn't always a moon ... plus it's fun to show this circa 1996 pic off.

Thin, right? But like weirdly thin. Like "that girl should eat a burger" thin. People used to say my legs went all the way up. I didn't really get what they meant when I was 16, but looking at this picture I get it now. I think I was 16 or 17 in that photo. Oh, those were the days.

Fast forward: 

This is actually a terribly embarrassing picture to post. But I said I would share what was real and this is it. I'm glad the flash makes it at least a little harder to see. Mike Everhart reads the blog while he eats breakfast. I don't want him to throw up first thing in the morning. The legs don't go on forever - they just got wider. I took out my belly button ring long ago - it would have been swallowed by the rolls by now. The handles make it easier for Chris to love me, but harder to fit into jeans. I have as much arm flap as a middle school lunch lady serving Sloppy Joe's. The only upside I see is my boobs. I was as flat as a board growing up. But now, add 40 pounds and you get a bonus: boobs!  

I joined Weight Watchers just after that first surgery in September in Boston. I just finished "emotional eating" my way through Boston while I rested the week post-op. I thought I at least deserved that. Then I got on the wagon. Weight Watchers has an app (who doesn't now? I want the "Mer App") and it was almost fun to count points (for like 5 seconds.) Then I had the hysterectomy. Do you want to talk about emotional eating? Come sit down next to me and bring some chocolate chip cookies and milk and I'll tell you all about it. You only have one hysterectomy and it's not supposed to be at 32, so I didn't want to waste the opportunity! Mangia Mangia!

I cancelled the Weight Watcher subscription. Much like my Netflix, money was leaving my account each month and nothing was happening on my end. Might as well keep the money for pizza.  

I feel very un-pretty. Everyone will say, no, no, you're still pretty. blah, blah, blah. Save it. Don't send a single card that says I'm pretty. I'm just venting. But I have no hair and I weigh more than I ever have in my life. This is what cancer looks like for me. If I looked my prettiest ever during cancer that would be bad, right? So I'm saving my pretty for later. It'll come ... with some hair and some exercise. I will be healthy then too, so that glow of survival will certainly make my skin shine, right? Chris loves me, even like this. I love that I'm still alive. So that's really all that matters.

I got my inspiration for my self portrait from Demi. While she looks SMOKING HOT ... woman be crazy! But damn, crazy looks good, huh?

 

Nope. I'm mad. And so are my friends ...

So close but yet so far. My number rose from 2.7 to 8.6 - ugh. I am so done with this. I've been planning my future in my head. And then ... back to the drawing board ... still have to figure out how to cure cancer.

All the numbers that were supposed to be high were low. And the one number that's supposed to be low, is up. So no chemo. Like honestly, throw a girl a bone. My platelets were 39. Kristin asked me to get blood re-drawn today to see if the platelets were at least on their way up. If I got a 40, I would be able to get chemo. No go - they were down to 29 today.

Also, the hemoglobin number is a pain in the ass too. That's red blood cells. They should be 12, mine were 5.9 - really low. Today on the re-draw, they were 5.4. Now I need a blood transfusion. That's tomorrow for about 4 - 6 hours. At least I should feel and look better after that. The low red blood cells have left me very short of breath and with throbbing headaches. Plus, I'm a little pale. Nothing some blush can't cure, but it would be nice to have some natural pink in my cheeks. Right now I'm keeping Sephora in business trying to make my ghost face look halfway normal.

My friends, family and neighbors share in my disgust. I sent several people text messages about the low hCG and my frustration. These were some of the responses:

Bastard
That stinks
This is a pain in the blip
WTF!! That sucks!
Shit!
Seriously?
Shit! That's stinks
Ugh indeed!
Shitski!!
Aghhhhhhh (that's me yelling in frustration for u)
Sonovabitch!

You can tell I'm in good company. When I curse, they curse back! When I look at that list of responses it makes me smile. No matter what my numbers are - I have a lot of support!

Hit a Strike Against Cancer!

Here's a little catch-up from like two weeks ago: 

 

When in doubt, pick up your fun nephews and find a cool activity. It was a boring weekend day and I had to get out of the house. Lucky, a local cancer organization, You and Me on a Comeback, was holding a Bowl-a-thon! Winning!

 

Jay, Ben and Alexander are usually up for anything. It was a bonus that Jay wasn't totally weirded out when he realized he wasn't wearing any socks in his cool new Sperry's. He'd have to wear the bowling shoes with naked feet. He did remark though that the man behind the counter did nothing but spritz some fragrant spray in the general area of the shoes and that meant they were "sanitized." No one ended up with Athlete's Foot ... but that might be because you can't call us athletes by the way we bowled!!

 

 

 

With two lanes to bowl on and single digit scores after 5 frames, we decided to ask for bumpers on one lane. Hysterically, even with bumpers we bowled "consistently" - which translates to: 1st roll you get three pins; 2nd roll you throw the ball in that exact spot, where there's now a hole and you get no pins. Net score with bumpers? 3. Ouch.

It was fun to meet new people from the Cancer organization and see some old friends. Adam Aurand and his wife Kristy came to bowl with us and brought their own little bowling ball, Baby Kylar!! I quickly traded holding a bowling ball for holding the bambino! So cute!!

 

 

It was a fun, family outing and supported a good cause. I thought it would be funny if I put spots on my head so it looked like a bowling ball. But I thought Jay would DIE of embarrassment so I held off.

 

 

Couldn't contain myself at home though. No one but Chris and the dogs to laugh at me ... and they do that every day any way. I'd say with all my brains, that bowling ball head is at least a 12 pounder!

You're never too old to be a Twilight Fan

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Friend and News 8 at 6 Producer Extraordinaire Ronda Keiser submitted this Guest Post

November 2008. Young (and not so young) girls were obsessed with the "Twilight" novel series. And for the first time, you could see the drama unfold on the big screen. Meredith and I, not wanted to be left out of the in crowd, started reading the books. We were hooked. We decided to go see the movie. But as you all know, Meredith was fighting cancer the first time then. So it took some time to get there, but we saw the first Twilight movie, together, in one of the last showings at the Kendig Square Movie Theater.

As every new movie came out, we saw them, usually on the first night. We donned our team Edward shirts and we rocked it.

Now, its 2012/2013. The final movie came out. Meredith is fighting cancer again. So we didn't go the first night, but I told her we were going. We had to go. The Twilight movie series was over and to come full circle, we had to see it at Kendig Square. I'm taking it as a sign that Meredith (in her words) is finally kicking cancer for good!

So Sunday, we went to Kendig Square, in a theater filled with young girls and their families, to enjoy the movie. We enjoyed popcorn, floating in butter.

Meredith, thanks for being my "Twilight Tween Buddy."

We totally fit in with the middle schoolers, no?


Ronda, thank YOU for getting me on the Team Edward bandwagon and seeing each movie with me (even though Kristen Stewart still can't act, 5 movies later!) It's been so fun and gosh ... that buttery popcorn is delicious!! xoxo