My number went down, my number went down, God Almighty, Thank You. My number went down.
I was flipping out a little bit on the inside about today's blood draw. It's done nothing but go up for like 6 weeks - despite a surgical resection, hysterectomy and 24 hours of straight Methotrexate. If it went up again I was going to go from semi-calm to total freak-out in like 3 point 2 seconds. Instead, I felt a rush of relief, like the elephant that had been standing on my chest stepped off. Oh sweet relief!
The number was 68. It dropped to 10. Wow, what a drop. What a satisfying drop. It's working. The drugs are working. Just to give you a small glimpse into my tortured psyche the last few days, I was sure I knew why the chemo wasn't working. We don't really know where the cancer is. And if it's in your brain, chemo won't pass through some special membrane. I was just so worried that the reason we didn't get results right away was because I had brain cancer. And at that point, just take me out back and shoot me. So every time I put my head on the pillow and it would pound from the racing thoughts and the tension, I thought - it couldn't possibly be the stress that's making my head pound. It has to be brain cancer. This are not the thoughts of a person who is well. And I'm trying so hard to be well.
I went back to counseling yesterday. I've been going to counseling almost continuously since I was 14. After my parents got divorced, it was a great way to talk and think things out and gave me a real sense of understand and peace. I stopped going when I first got sick because every time I'd make an appointment, I would end up cancelling it because I was feeling so ill or had to be admitted or just didn't want to get out of bed. It's obvious now that was probably the time I needed to go the most. But people don't see things so clearly when they are in the midst of them.
I had a bad day Friday and knew then I had to go back. There's a hole in my being, a cavern in my soul because of that hysterectomy. But things have been moving so quickly, the plans have been piling up on each other - what should we do? how quickly do we have to move? who should we call to confer? The gravity of the hysterectomy got lost. But now I'm getting those thoughts - the racing thoughts that just won't stop. I'll never be pregnant, never have a belly, never feel a baby kick inside, never buy maternity clothes, never send Chris out for ice cream and pickles, never have my water break, never push. Some people say, "it's not all it's cracked up to be." They are trying to help, but I wanted to determine that for myself. I try to push the bad thoughts away and think of happy things. Hailey. The Beach House. Velveeta Shells and Cheese with a side of Patio Pizza. But the bad thoughts are strong and they push their way in. So now I'm going to sit with them, feel them, think about them and accept them. There is a profound sadness living in me right now. It will go away someday, or subside, or change into something else. But for now, it's really, real sadness. I pray God will help take it away.
In the meantime, days like today are happier days. Good numbers. Good friends to help. Safe from the storm. Ready for Halloween, Lanc. General Hosp. style! Wait until you see me tomorrow for my next hospital admission and round of chemo. Let's just say, I didn't call this blog Cosmos and Chemo for nothin'!
