I'm sorry I've been a little MIA on the blog. I've been too busy celebrating. Here's an update and one more request:
So am I reeeeaaaaalllllyyy cured? I'm not 100% sure. But I don't think I will ever been 100% sure. I think that's the black cloud that all cancer survivors live under. However, no black cloud is going to keep me from celebrating. I've gotten so many serious hugs - like long, hard, meaningful hugs. Most times I love it, other times friends squeeze just a little too hard post-chest surgery. But let's be honest - compared to chemo - a hard hug is nothing!
After the hcg drop, I did eventually talk to an actual oncologist. The doctor from Sloan Kettering, Dr. Aghajanian, said she was so happy about my dramatic hcg drop too. Now the question was chemo or no chemo. She called while I was shopping so I took my cell phone to the most quiet aisle and crossed my fingers. I knew Dr. Aghajanian would eventually describe how my next few months would go - with drugs or no drugs. She said, "You could go either way. It's 50/50..." (ugh) "But after all the chemo you've had, I don't think more chemo will help." (YES!) "Let's watch your hcg, come back for the three month CAT Scan and if it all looks good, we'll consider you cured." (You got it! I can certainly do that!)
I'm so relieved. The prospect of more chemo would have been daunting. My hair is growing in, it's summertime, and with a <2.0 hcg it would have sucked to go back to the drugs. So for now, it's all about getting stronger and healthier again.
My feet are still numb. I hope the nerve endings regenerate. It hurts to stand for a long time and my poor tootsies are always cold. But again, without cancer, who gives a shit about cold feet?!? Not me. It's all bonus ... I'm just happy to be alive.
But there is one other bonus I would be so blessed to have - a genetically Mer and Chris baby. If we are meant to have our own actual child carried by someone else, I would be forever grateful. If it's not meant to be, I will adjust. I'm just happy to be here. But this could be a big week.
Chris and I went to see a Fertility Specialist last week. While you might think I have a this all planned out already, ie: surrogate, IVF, adoption, gestational surrogate, domestic or internation baby - I don't have anything planned. Mainly because I couldn't plan. Chris and I were careful not to have too many conversations about things we weren't ready for yet. Chris kept saying, "Let's just get you well first, then we'll worry about that." So now it's time to worry about that.
Because I really know nothing, I had a lot of questions for this fertility doctor. Three of four Oncologists said my ovaries are probably dead. Ugh. This is terrible. I hear them saying this, I just don't want it to be true. But too much chemo is too much chemo. It might be too much poison for any eggs. However, it turns out this is not just a opinion thing. There is a blood test that will tell us if my ovaries are still working. A simple blood test that picks up two necessary hormones. I had that test last week and the results should come back this week. Could I be selfish enough to ask for even more prayers that my ovaries are ok?? I am trying to prepare myself for a big, fat no. I will be devastated (counseling, here I come) but in my gut I still feel like there is some hope.
Even the readings at church on Sunday seemed to be pointing in the right direction:
Romans 5:3-5; We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
So I'm saying my prayers and keeping my fingers crossed. I know it might be asking a lot, but it would make me as happy as hearing "Pucker Up Buttercup." Can I get two miracles in one month? I hope so.
