Several friends told me about a woman named Andrea who is sick. She plays tennis so you know she's good peeps! But she's ill and having surgery in New York next week. Please lift her up in your prayers. I spoke to her on the phone the other day and it was so weird to be on the other side of the conversation. I had called several cancer survivors when I was first diagnosed and of course leaned on all the wonderful women in the Chemo Lounge. My heart is broken that Andrea and her family have to go through the pain and trauma of cancer but I know she'll prevail after I received this e-mail from her. (Andrea, I hope you don't mind me sharing. All my Blog Buddies are full of love and support, I promise!)
Hi Meredith-
Thanks so much for calling me last week. You are truly an inspiration and I want your strength and courage as I face the weeks and months ahead! I really appreciate your advice and would love to hear again the 3 things that you pray for. I can’t wait to read the book Gift of the Red Bird. You have given me such hope and encouragement!
Congrats on being cancer free!!! I will get there too!
Andrea
We had talked about what I prayed at night to be calm. This is what I e-mailed her. As I typed, it occurred to me how important this is to me and that I've never shared it. For all those who have supported me through this trial, I thought you might like to know how you've all helped influence me and get me through.
Andrea,
You already have the strength and courage I have. Your e-mail congratulated me on being cancer free and you wrote, "I will get there too!" That's it - that's all you have to do right now. That's your job for the time being and you WILL get there.
I was so happy to talk to you. Isn't it crazy how many people know someone going through something. I felt like this was simply the worst and no one else had it so bad - that was my reality. But, sadly, every person I talked with had a terrible story of someone they knew too. I couldn't even be special with cancer, damn it! But it made me realize every family has something - this is your something and it sucks. However, you will fight like hell until you are well. And I will be praying you along the whole way.
Ok, so my three things when I go to bed are:
1) As I close my eyelids, I pretend they are like the red velvet curtains at a play house. As I close my eyes it's like the curtain falling at the end of a show. The play is over - this day is over. And whether it was good or bad, it is done and the only place you have to go is forward. But first you have to go to sleep and recharge for whatever the next day holds. I say, "Dear Lord, thank you for this day but it's over now and I want to put it behind me and be calm and sleep well. It's curtain call." (This is from my best friend's mother, Mrs. Rannazzisi, a deeply spiritual woman whose one son is a priest.)
2) Then as I lay in my bed next to my husband and with my dogs at our feet, I say, "Dear Lord, please blanket us in your white light where all good things lie." This is a calming image for me - that in the darkness of my bedroom God's light is still there and all over me. (This is actually what the Long Island Medium Theresa Caputo says before she "reads" a person. I'm from LI and I believe she has a deeply spiritual gift and it was a nice image for me.)
3) Last, I say, "Dear Lord, I trust in you. Please hold me in the palm of your hands." (I'm crying as I write this.) What could be more supportive than thinking you are small and God is big and able to literally cradle your sleeping body in his hands? I've always been really moved by the song On Eagle's Wings at church. One verse says:
And He will raise you up on eagles' wings
Bear you on the breath of dawn
Make you to shine like the sun
And hold you in the palm of His hand.
This is often a funeral song. (When I wrote my will on Legal Zoom.com when I got sick :-) I asked for this to be played at my funeral. That will happen - just when I'm 85, not 33!) God can do anything, including cure you, and in the meantime he will hold you up. (This one is from my mom. She is deeply religious and always reminds me how strong and capable God is even if I'm not.)
By the time I said these three things, I was able to remind myself that God's will be done and I believed that His will was that I should live and have a family and love and laugh and feel the sun on my face. So that's what I plan to do from now on. I am cancer-free and it's a miracle. At first I didn't think I deserved a miracle, but He thought otherwise. I will spend the rest of my long, cancer-free life telling other people this story.
I can't wait until you tell your story of triumph! I'm so proud of you for fighting for your life! You will be well rewarded.
Love, ~Meredith
