UGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

I have several funny things to blog about. And now I can't. I have to postpone them. For the shitty stuff. It's okay to let the fun linger. But the important info (read: shitty stuff) must be posted in a timely fashion. Mainly because it means you have to ramp up the prayers. I promise to blog the funny stuff in a few days. For now though, here is the drama.

Beta hCG is now 16.2. Dr. Goldstein calls it "disappointing." He wrote that in an e-mail at 6:42am this morning. You know how e-mail is though. Disappointing. When it's typed out is so less dramatic than if we were in his office and he said something like, "Well, fuck-a-doodle-do. 16.2. Isn't that a bitch?" I'm sure that's what he meant when he typed disappointing.

WHY oh Why oh Why Why why why why does it keep going up and down?? Why? Why why why? And why can't we get it to stop going up and down ... and just get it to go down ... forever? That's the big question, isn't it? Do you know how many people have the answer to that question? None. Maddening. Absolutely maddening. Marsh says, "All to be revealed." It's just that nothing is being revealed today apparently. Maybe tomorrow is the revealing day. I'm not holding my breath, otherwise I'd be blue by now. So just like right foot, left foot - I inhale and exhale and pray for all to be revealed ... someday.

Plan:

Next week:

• PET scan to see if you can see cancer
• Dr. Evans says she is certain this will show nothing. Cancer is at cellular level. Too small to see on PET.
• MRI of brain
• Because PET scan doesn't include brain. Dr. Evans is sure this also will show nothing, because cancer would be too small to pick up on MRI
• Spinal Tap
• Other than the movie "This is Spinal Tap" I really knew nothing about what this actually does. I did hear it was painful but everyone I spoke with today said, oh it's not that bad. Read: hurts like a motherfucker but you forget that it hurt that much
• During tap they put a needle into your lower spine and remove CSF cells - Cerebral Spinal Fluid. This is brain fluid that also flows along the spinal column, I guess. It would have cancer cells in it, if there's cancer in the brain.
• Dr. Evans is also convinced this will show nothing.
• So why are we doing all these "show nothing" tests?? Because we're switching chemo again. A switch time is always a good time to get some new baseline tests. Just make sure you are crossing your t's and dotting i's before you jump ship to something else.

Two Weeks from now:

• New Chemo
• Shocker. This last one didn't even last a month before we figured out it was useless.
• New drugs will give more side effects than the last round, but not as bad as the round before that. Is your head spinning yet? Because mine is - and that's not even one of the side effects.
• It includes two days in the hospital. KILL ME NOW. I like the Chemo Lounge so much. Why can't I just stay in the Chemo Lounge? (Can you hear me really whining as I say that?? Whhhhhyyyyy?)
• It's once every three weeks - that's a bonus. I've always been a chemo every week-er. I asked if I could go back to work a little bit on the two off-weeks. Dr. Evans said absolutely not. This is still "focus on getting rid of cancer" time, not "transitioning back to work time."

I've stopped crying. Partly because what's the point? Partly because my new anti-depressant really helps me mask my emotions. Kidding. I just sigh a lot. And roll my eyes. I'm like a teenager. Sighing, rolling my eyes and stamping off to my room (mainly for my daily nap.)

What else is there to do? Just pray.