All Clear

Every single test was negative. Thank you God.
I felt stressed and anxious last week. However, all the emotions were worth it in the end to hear that there is no cancer in my brain. Plus, the imaging showed no cancer at all - which is simply because the little bit I have left is too small to see. I think that's a good thing - better than finding a big old tumor somewhere we weren't expecting. And it just confirms that we are dealing with microscopic cells. We just have to get rid of them.

Mommy was so helpful and reassuring. She laughed when I made jokes, cried with me when I cried. She drove me all over Lancaster even though she didn't know exactly where she was going. She did the laundry, cooked all the meals and (as only mom's can do) kept demanding that I lay down. So I did.

The Spinal Tap itself was fine. I was so worked up I was crying in the procedure room. The young, beautiful girl who was the radiologist's tech was like, "Are you ok?" I said I was nervous and that I hate pain and didn't want it to hurt too much. She reassured me saying she sees so many of these, they barely hurt and I would be fine. I thought - of course that's what you say. What were her other options while I was sobbing on the procedure table? "This test sucks, hurts like a bitch and the guy might fuck it up and paralyze you." That answer wasn't likely.

Still, she was right. It was totally fine. I had to lay on my belly. He numbed my lower back up. They say, "A little pinch then a burn." And it burns alright. But I get stuck by needles so often now, and most injections burn as they push the meds in, that "pinch and burn" is nothing. The funniest part to me was the use of good old gravity to deliver as much spinal fluid as necessary. The table I was laying on actually tips up and has a foot plate on the bottom. So once the needle was in they tipped the table so I was practically standing up. That helps the spinal fluid drain out. Fancy that.

When it was done, I felt stupid for crying. The pretty girl even said to me "That wasn't so bad, right?" I had to agree with her. Bitch. Just kidding. They wheeled me back upstairs and the first thing I said to my Mom was "Piece of cake." She was so relieved.

Now there's this thing called the Spinal Headache. I heard about it from other people. It was supposed to be excruciating. Someone said to me, if you drink a lot of fluids it helps the body replenish the spinal fluid they took out and you can avoid this dreaded headache. So I'm sucking down water, soda, whatever - as much as I can. They also make you lay perfectly flat for two hours after the procedure so your body can heal the hole in your back and keep the spinal fluid from leaking out. I do as the doctor orders.

Thursday night, find. I lay flat the whole rest of the night. Friday, a little achy. Trying to lay mostly flat. Friday night, not good. Bad upper back pain - like shooting pain and a little head throbbing. My mom is feeding me ibuprofen like it's candy. Saturday, I feel like death. Sitting up eating breakfast, I think being stabbed would probably feel better than I felt then. Head is throbbing, my back is still causing shooting pains. This is not right, not norma. Now, my mom is leaving Saturday morning. My husband is seeing all the classic signs of a Spinal Headache. Mom's wheeling her suitcase out to the driver to take her to the airport. Chris is loading me in the car to take me to the hospital.

I needed a Blood Patch. You cannot make this shit up. I live with a physician and stealing Katie's line, "I'm only like 5 or 6 years away from my medical degree at this point," and I have never heard of a Blood Patch. Basically, it's ANOTHER Spinal Tap, then they take your own blood, inject it in your back and it plugs the hole where spinal fluid is leaking out. The first thing I say is, "But my back is not wet. I don't think there's spinal fluid leaking out." Ok, so I'm still a medical school freshman for sure, because they laugh at me and say no - it doesn't actually leak out of your body, is just leaks out of the derma into the other tissue nearby. So I don't know if my gallbladder got some extra spinal fluid this weekend, all I know is it hurt.

The anesthesiologist runs through the risks and glazes over possible loss of the use of your legs as if it was just another side effect they mention during a Cialis commercial (if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours you should see your doctor - no shit!) So my ears perked up at "loss of the use of your legs" and I stopped her there. She said, yes, one of the risks is a small chance of paralysis with a Blood Patch. But without it, it could take up to two weeks for the Spinal Headache to go away. I was like - ok, my running days are over - paralysis would suck - but this headache will be the death of me anyway - so let's do this. Nothing like weighing the risk/reward ratio while your skull feels like it might split open.

This time I sit up and lean over, curving my back. The doctor performs a spinal tap for the second time in three days, Chris draws blood from my arm, she then shoots it in my back (which hurt like a bitch - like a lot a lot.) And then it was done. Thirty minutes later I felt like a new woman - and I could still feel my legs. I'd say that was a win/win. Plus with all negative test results, what's an extra Spinal Tap or two? I'll do anything to be cancer free.