Zit

Do you ever hear about people who suffered a traumatic event when they were young, or were in a horrific accident and they can't remember it? There are stories of people repressing the bad stuff so far down they forget it even happened. Mostly, I think those stories are bullshit. Obviously something bad happened which makes the person a half a bubble off level. That's why there are so many weird people ... because their babysitter used to play "hide and seek" with them and then they are slightly "off" as adults.

As a person who firmly believes in the principals of therapy, I think more people should cough up their co-pay, find the closest social work and spill their guts. It works for me just fine. But because I've been going to counseling since my parents got divorced when I was 14, one would think I've little left to talk about or discover.

Wrong. (I can always talk more.)

What I'm realizing is that this cancer shit was bad last time ... and I forgot. Or I repressed it. Or I tried so hard to pretend that everything was going to be okay that I didn't dwell on the suck factor. Now I remember.

This acne thing is for the birds. I had an average amount of pimples when I was in high school. I had my share of issues in high school though, so zits weren't even on the Top 10 list. Remember I mentioned STF? That stands for Skin Tight Floods and that was my nickname in high school. I was 5 foot 10 by the time I was 13 and I weighed 98 pounds soaking wet (although I think that is a stupid phrase, as if all the water in my clothes and hair would weigh so much it would push me to what, like 102.? Really, is that 'soaking wet' part all that necessary?) Needless to say, I looked like a freak. Then we had to clothe me. They don't make clothes for people like that. They have a Big and Tall store for men. Have you ever visited a Tall and Awkwardly Thin Store for teenage girls? No. 

Some of you (and I'm thinking of you by name) are rolling your eyes right now that I'm complaining about this. Well, suck it. Finding a pair of jeans was not hard - it was impossible. Kids are cruel even if you are skinny and they made fun of me. STF. I wore bad jeans to Youth Group one night with loafers and white socks. You could see about 7 inches of white sock. Chris Glasser asked me, "Hey Mer, where's the flood?" In typical Meredith fashion, I didn't get the joke, but laughed anyway. "Aha ha ha ha!" (followed by a bewildered look. Chris was popular, I would laugh at anything to fit in.) Well, the laugh was on me, because that turned into Skin Tight Floods, which turned into STF, which now lives in infamy in my circle in St. James, New York. 

So I had to deal with that, rather than acne as a teen. Which might be why God is giving me that now.  

Pre-make up

Post make up - thank god!

  Remember how my mom thought the Cosmos meant the stars not the drink? Maybe she meant the constellations you can draw on my face if you connect the dots. I swear that's Orion's belt on my chin! The only massive plus is that I have loads of serious TV make-up. I slapped some of that on and I'm nearly a new person. So this proves what you see on TV is not true. We are uglier in person and even chemo zits can be make-believe on television!

Now I'm remembering that this happened last time. If you asked me randomly a month ago, did you break out a lot while you were on chemo, I would have said no. But little stuff, really meaningless stuff like bad skin, is what you forget about.

I might make a good Show and Tell though. I told Dr. Evans of some of the side effects I was having, including the stomach problems and chest pain and added the zits last. She says to remember that this is a pregnancy based cancer. My body thinks it's pregnant, I still have high levels of the Beta hCG pregnancy hormone. So maybe my body isn't breaking out from chemo, it's breaking of from being "pregnant." Again, I get all the shit of pregnancy and then no baby at the end. How is that fair??

Then Dr. Evans says her daughter has to bring something to school for Show and Tell. She was given the letter Z and had to come up with something that starts with that letter. While I think an 11 year old's first reaction might be zebra, Dr. Evans says her daughter was insistent on bringing a zit to school. When asked if she really knew what a zit was and how she would do that, her little girl said she would draw a big picture of a pimple and Show and Tell Z: for Zit. While Dr. Evans said she was going to try to talk her daughter out of that, we remarked I would be an excellent exhibit at Show and Tell.